Day 8. I didn’t think I could make it this far. Like I’ve been saying I’m not SOBER because I’m still taking 1mg of suboxone a day. but tomorrow I start .5mg and I’m nervous because I have no weed and only 1mg of xanax left. I have some xanax that should be getting here around friday. I can’t wait becuase until then this 1mg is all I’ll have. for the weed… my guy owes me some but he’s dry and has been dry. no one has weed.
sdjfhsdjklfhsdjklfh fuck I need drugs but I’m going to be strong,
stay strong. be safe.
I know I can do this. but it’s sooo hard. I don’t know what to do I’m going insane. :’(
I remember when Liz broke up with me I would sing this and just FEEL every single lyric. They hurt so fucking bad and I would always be in tears by the end of this song.
It’s such a good song, and I always wanted to listen to it and just sing and be happy…. and I am now.
I can sing this song and not feel all those feelings anymore. I just downloaded it again because when I stopped listening to American (english) music I deleted all of these songs… the last couple weeks has been me rediscovering all of my old favorite english songs/bands.
I love korea and I love kpop still and that’s not going anywhere, but I still love independent american music too.
I don’t know where I would be without Cecilia, because I know I wouldn’t be where I am now. I probably wouldn’t be here honestly.
These last couple years have been so hard but right now I’m taking the step I have to, to be the best guy I can be.
When you have someone so great in your life that wants nothing but your love, you realize and change. And I know that’s what’s happening to me.
Everything is changing so fast, and it’s all for the better!
I’m doing this!
Just a couple days ago I was literally in cici’s arms crying because I couldn’t buy pills anymore. I was so scared of losing the only thing that has made me ‘happy’ in the last couple years. and now I’ve been taking 2mg of suboxone every other day for the last 4 days. Tongight I start the 1mg, I haven’t had anything since yesterday morning. I want to keep this from being too rough so I’m taking it slow but still going really good.
Going from a 3-600mg a day oxy habit to 2mg of suboxone and 4 mg of xanax (breaking the bars into 4 .5mg doses; taking 2mg a day total) every 2 days…
have fun. be safe. be strong. never give up.
*has emotional breakdown choosing what to eat at a restaurant*
I’ve been having emotional break downs about EVERYTHING.
I feel like a pregnant woman.
(Source: amoying, via lydiaamartin)
omg I’m actually doing this. granted I’m not sick, and this is only the beginning…. I haven’t been on this low of a dose is a VERY long time and only using suboxone… I haven’t done this.
I mean, I’ve used suboxone before to try and get clean but the thing about it is that in the back of my mind I didn’t WANT to be clean.
right now I want that high SO fucking bad and have been smoking weed like a train because I just NEED something to keep me from going insane… if anyone gets that.
but right now in my brain I WANT to be clean, I’ve been thinking about just lying like usual and buying pills and pretend to be clean but that’s not what I want.
It’s been WAY to fucking long that my life has been like this and last year was my ABSOLUTE WORST year so far. I don’t even know if there was a day that I remember fully.
but addiction will do that to you.
I’m going to do this and be happy one day… WITHOUT ANYTHING.
That’s my absolute goal.
day 5. wow.
have fun. be safe.