here we go again guys
No matter what happens, no matter what I do to try to change there is always that one thing that no matter what I do will always be there. I can’t do this anymore, like I’m living two lives.
In one of them I’m Derrick, the bright eyed, shy kid who does everything he can for people. He’s very nice and considerate for others. He loves people way to much and gets hurt so easy.
Then there’s this person I don’t know who he is but he’s here and he comes out more than the real Derrick anymore. He’s just taking over.
He’s a pill popper, he will do anything to get high. He’ll lie and steal from people who really need what he’s taking. He’s sneaky and he’s mean and judges everyone for everything.
I hate him. But he doesn’t go away. I want to stop but I feel like I never will be able to.
Now, I’m sitting here thinking about what has gone on in the last two months and it’s so bad. I don’t wanna be me. I want to be normal and have just a simple like not spending thousands of dollars a month on shit I need to stop. I’m losing the only person on this earth who truly has my back and would do anything for me. I don’t know why I can’t stop when I want to so bad. But it’s not like that; you can’t just say ‘oh I’m gonna stop and that’ll be the end of it’ because it doesn’t work like that. I try so hard everyday and I always end up getting high. I hate me. I hate my family for raising me the way they did. I hate them for being addicted to shit and teaching me this behavior. I know it’s not all them though, it’s me too.
I hate my life right now, I work so hard and 60% or more of my money goes to pills/weed and my girlfriend had 2 jobs and at least %40 of more of her total income goes on that for me because she doesn’t do either. And now she’s thingking about leaving me and the thing about it is„„„ it’s all about pills. I love her so much so why can’t I stop. :’( :’( I just want to break dowm so bad. but I just did that yesterday. I can’t do ot again.
If you are barely starting to take pills then please, PLEASE rethink what you are doing because you will end up hating and losing everything that ever meant anything to you and no matter how bad you want to quit you won’t be able to. Just don’t, and honestly think about this. I’m not even at the bottom yet, I still have a job, a car, a house, a girl (godwilling) and all my electronics. plus I always have the drugs. jkfahlsdjkfhasdjkfhsdljfhasdjkf UGH. I WANT TO DIE.